Skin Care or Skin Scare
by wingedflower
Summary: Lance and Allura go to the space mall and end up buying an entire cosmetics shop. Lance, of course, has to try all the products in search of the perfect moisturizer, regardless of the... bizzare side-effets.


"You were supposed to buy wires." Pidge said and scrunched her nose.

"I _did_!" Lance called defensively. He reached down and grabbed a large box of brand-new wires, and threw it at Pidge, who managed to catch it just before it hit her in the face. "There you go, nerd."

"What Pidge meant," Shiro said, "is that we sent you to the mall to buy only the essential items required for the ship's maintenance. Not all of... what are those things, anyway?" he gestured at the table, which was stacked with several dozens of jars, tubes and bottles in different shapes and sizes. Some of them were opaque and some were transparent, containing liquids in shades of colors they didn't even know that existed.

"I told you," Lance said. "All of these are skin care products of the highest quality in the market, and they are going to make my skin soft and smooth like a baby's butt."

"Why the hell do you need skin care in _space_?" Keith snapped from his position by the wall, where he was leaning backwards with his arms crossed. "It's not going to raise your chances with female aliens, Lance!"

"Shut your mouth, Keith!" Lance snapped back. "This has nothing to do with girls! Every man who respects himself must keep a minimum level of skin health, and for your knowledge, it's very hard to do so when the air inside the castle is so _dry_. I literally get a papercut every time I touch my face! But of course _you_ wouldn't know anything about personal hygiene, you don't even bother to cut your stupid mullet, which by the way, has become _ridiculously_ long - "

"Well, at least I didn't spend our entire budget on useless junk!"

"Guys, please don't fight," Shiro said tiredly as Lance's face became nearly as red as Keith's jacket, and he seemed ready to pounce at him at any given moment. "Lance, we respect your will to keep your routine of, um, personal hygiene, but did you really have to buy the whole store?"

This time the one who blushed was Allura, who stood next to Lance. "I'm afraid some of this is my fault," she admitted. "After all, it was my first time after 10,000 years in a space mall... so yes, I was the one who persuaded Lance to enter the store with me once I noticed it." She stared at the floor, looking less like a fearless princess and more like a teenage girl who got caught using her parents' credit card without permission. "I guess I got carried away..."

"Don't feel bad, Princess!" Lance nudged her side playfully. "I promised I'd take you shopping for something sparkly, and that's exactly what I did, so just enjoy it! You of all people here deserve to treat yourself once in 10,000 years."

"It kinda looks like you treated _yourself_ , Lance," Hunk said.

"Oh no," Allura laughed lightly. "I bought twice as much as Lance! The mice have already delivered all of it to my room. It was truly kind of them to do that for me."

"They just want the snacks you bought them at that pet store, Allura. I bet they're digging through the wrappers as we speak."

"Oh my, you're right!" Allura's hand shot to her mouth. "I better go before they completely destroy my room." And with that, she sprang out of the common room.

Shiro sighed and looked back at Lance, who was still beaming. "Okay Lance, I'm not going to make you return all this stuff - "

"Like hell I would - "

"But," Shiro continued with emphasis, "make sure you store them in your room and _only_ in your room. I don't want any weird bottles rolling around the castle."

"Alright, alright, _mom_ ," Lance waved his hand dismissively. "But if you ever want to use some of my stuff, you'll have to ask me _real nicely_."

"I'll take that into account."

Keith muttered something about dealing with idiots enough for one day and stormed out of the room.

Lance began to gather his new products in his arms, which soon proved to be impossible, since there were so many of them and items kept slipping off his grip and falling to the floor. "Hey Hunk, help me carry those to my room, would you?"

"Like hell I would," Hunk said and turned to leave as well. "I've got dinner to make."

* * *

"How come peanut butter is the best food in the world, but peanuts are just the worst?" Pidge sat at the kitchen table and tinkered lazily with her glasses, while Hunk arranged the dishes he was going to use for dinner on the countertop.

"Which peanut butter were you used to eat back on Earth?" Hunk asked.

"Skippy, _duh._ I deny the existence of any other brand of peanut butter."

"Well, they do add tones of sugar and salt and preservations and stuff like that to Skippy, so it isn't exactly pure peanuts. It's basically junk food."

"Mmm," Pidge hummed, "Junk food or not, it's still better than this weird space-peanut-butter you bought in the market that day. It was stuck in my teeth for _hours._ "

"Boo-hoo. Don't like, don't eat."

Lance suddenly burst into the kitchen, screaming so hard that Hunk dropped the pan he was holding into the sink with a loud clattering noise. "OWOWOWOWOW IT BURNS! _IT BURNS!_ "

"What?! What's going on?!" Pidge leapt off her chair and hurried to Lance. "Holy Quiznack - dude, you're on _fire!_ "

Lance's face were a dark shade of crimson, which looked like a really bad sunburn. However, the most disturbing part of his appearance was the smoke that was coming out of his ears, as if they were train engines. Pidge could feel the heat radiating from his head without even touching him.

"HUNK!" Lance screamed again and waved his arms wildly. "DO SOMETHING!"

Hunk opened his mouth and shut it again, clearly too shocked to do anything. Only when smoke started to come out from Lance's _nose_ as well, he pulled himself together and sprinted to the storeroom, opening and closing different drawers frantically. He came back about thirty seconds later with a bucket full of water, and threw its entire content at Lance.

The smoke diminished with a sharp hissing sound, and Lance's face returned to its normal color within seconds. He shook his head like a wet dog and tried to blink away waterdrops from his eyes. "Thanks, man," he panted and leaned against the table. "Jesus, that was a close one!"

"How did this even happen?" Pidge asked. "Did you piss off Red or something?"

"Yeah, like I'm _that_ stupid," Lance said, still catching his breath. "I just wanted to try one of the creams I bought, which was supposed to be a moisturizer - but, um, clearly it wasn't. I mean, at first it felt really nice and cool on my skin, but then it started to burn like hell, and I just thought it was an allergic reaction or something - but then, well, my ears started to smoke, so you know, I figured that was _not_ a good sign."

"So you came all the way down here so we can throw _water_ at you? You could have just washed it in the shower or something!" Pidge snapped.

Lance shrugged. "I don't know, guess I panicked."

Hunk's shoulders dropped. "Lance! Are you telling me you didn't bother to ask the worker at the shop if any of those things were deadly to humans?!"

Lance shrunk into himself a bit. "This might have slipped my mind... I mean, let's just say there's a reason they took her to work at a beauty shop, okay? It was very distracting! Besides, she had a really nice voice when she talked..." his smiled dreamily.

Hunk threw his arms at the air while Pidge buried her face in her hands. "You were wrong, you _are_ that stupid," she groaned.

"Hey, it's not so bad! It was just a small accident!" Lance said cheerfully. "I'm sure the other stuff I bought are much less freakish."

"What?!" Hunk cried. "Lance, you can't try more of this stuff! You don't even know what they're made of! What if you end up killing yourself?!"

"Yeah, dude," Pidge said. "As much as I admire the sacred art of skin care, I believe that having five living Defenders of the Universe who can form Voltron is just a _little_ bit more important."

"Oh come on, Hunk, I could say the same things about all those alien ingredients you use in your cooking. And Pidge, the bags under your eyes are darker than the Black Lion, so you really have no right to talk."

Realizing that Lance actually had a point about this one, Hunk and Pidge kept their mouths shut.

Lance smirked. "That's what I thought." He stood upright and shook his jacket, creating a huge puddle of water on the floor. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to talk to Coran and see if he can read any of the labels on those products for me. Might be useful."

He whistled to himself as he exited the kitchen. Hunk and Pidge exchanged looks.

"If he needs a cryopod by tomorrow's lunch, you're going to let me rummage through your laptop for as long as I want," Hunk said.

"No problem, but if he makes it to a pod by tomorrow's breakfast, you're making me space-peanut-butter pancakes for every meal for an entire week," Pidge said.

"You've got yourself a deal."

* * *

"Lance?" For the third time in the last minute, Shiro knocked on the door to Lance's room. "Are you sure you don't want any dinner?"

"I already told you, not hungry, thanks!" Lance's voice sounded high and strained through the closed door, and it made Shiro frown.

"Is everything alright, buddy?"

"Sure, everything's great, you have nothing to worry ab-OUCH!"

Shiro's eyes widened and he slammed the door open, his heart racing. "What's happening?! Are you hurt or - _whoa._ "

Lance was sitting on top of his bed, wearing a white tank top so that his arms were entirely exposed. Every inch of them, from the tips of his fingers to his shoulders, was covered in a thick layer of what looked like tiny blue needles - much shorter than a hedgehog's spines, but still nothing that should be growing out of a human's flesh.

Coran was in the room as well. He was hovering over Lance and holding a pair of large tweezers. "It would have been much less painful if you just stopped squirming, you know!" he said and clicked his tongue.

"I'm trying, but you're about as gentle as those Galra dudes were when they dragged me half-dead across the castle!" Lance hissed through his teeth.

Shiro closed his eyes and took a long, steadying breath. Then, he opened them again. "Is any of you willing to explain to me what exactly is going on?"

"Well, I've decided to try another one of those awesome products, but this time to test it on my hands and not my face, considering what happened earlier - " Lance began.

"Wait, what happened earlier?" Shiro asked suspiciously.

"Ah, never mind that, just a small glitch that's all!" Lance blabbed and tried to wave his hands, but yelped in pain as the blue needles pulled at his skin. "Anywaaay, I've asked Coran to help me with the next tests, but apparently even _he_ doesn't really understand what those things are supposed to do..."

"All the labels are written in languages which unfortunately I am not familiar with," Coran announced. "It's truly a same that they do not sell anything from Altea. I mean, considering that all of our industries stopped manufacturing 10,000 years ago, it is understandable, but I still find myself from time to time with a strong desire for that marvelous ointment called Zwiffledorcin, it used to do wonders to the hind side of your - "

"Okay, got it," Shiro raised his hand to stop Coran from elaborating any further. "So, you just put on some unfamiliar substance on your skin without knowing anything about its ingredients or possible side effects?"

Lance blushed. "Well, when you put it that way, you make it sound like a really bad thing."

"It _is_ a bad thing," Shiro crossed his arms. "And it's very irresponsible of you, Lance. We have a mission to complete, we don't need anybody getting hurt for no justified reason."

"But this is why I had Coran watching over me! In case something goes wrong!" Lance protested.

"I am more than willing to serve the Paladins of Voltron in any way I can," Coran said and leaned forward, using his tweezers to pluck a needle off Lance's upper arm. Lance screamed and scooted away from him. "Hey, warn a guy next time, would you?!"

Coran only hummed and plucked another needle, followed by another scream and something that sounded like a Spanish curseword.

Shiro sighed - he seemed to be doing that a lot ever since Lance and Allura came back from the space mall - and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Is Lance going to be okay, Coran? We don't want him to have any further injuries from all this plucking."

"Oh, he is going to be just peachy once I'm done!" Coran chanted as he managed to pull out two needles at once ( _"PINGA COJONE!")._ "Those things do not even seem to scar!"

"Good." Realizing that there was nothing more he could do to stop those two from their shenanigans, Shiro turned to the exist. "This doesn't mean that you're dismissed from tomorrow's simulation, Lance."

"I wasn't going to - GWAAAHH! Coran, I swear I'm going to take those damn tweezers and shove them right up your - "

Shiro closed the door behind him, missing the end of the sentence and feeling quite relieved about it.

He will never admit it to anyone, but he had to fight the urge to come back inside and ask Coran whether there was a particular reason for the fact that of all colors, the needles Lance's skin was growing were _blue_.

* * *

Allura threw her arms in the air helplessly. "I've already told you, I don't have any more!"

The mice chirped and stomped their feet on the bed, where Allura was sitting and arranging her shopping.

"Well, you shouldn't have eaten all of them at once. Have some self-restraint! It's not like we can go to the pet shop very often."

The mice squeaked and turned their backs to Allura, raising their tails indignantly.

Allura's lips tightened in a thin line. "Not with _this_ attitude, that's for sure!"

"Excuse me, Princess," Coran's voice chimed through the closed door. "May I come in, please? There is something important I need to discuss with you."

"Of course Coran, come on in," Allura called.

Coran pushed the door open and peeked inside. "Top of the evening to you, Princess! I truly hate to bother you, but I was wondering if Lance can use your hot tub? He will be out in a few Dobashes, don't you worry."

"Um... I don't see a reason why not," Allura said in confusion. "Is there something wrong with the Paladins' showers?"

"Oh no, they are completely undamaged! However, our Blue Paladin here... not so much. Go on, lad, hop in the tub before these things freeze completely and fall off." Coran made a gesture of ushering someone inside, and into Allura's room stumbled a very disoriented Lance. He held his arms high in front of him, and Allura was shocked to see his hands covered in a thin layer of _ice_ all the way up to his elbows.

" _Lance!_ " Allura leapt off the bed and put her arms around Lance's shoulders. "What _happened?!_ "

"Explain later," Lance blurted. "Needs to melt this shit first."

Allura didn't wait another tick before rushing to the tub at the opposite side of the bedroom. She opened several faucets and adjusted them in different directions until she was satisfied with the temperature. "Get him over here, Coran. The water is just warm enough to not put him in shock."

Coran pushed Lance across the room (followed by the mice who were curious to see what all of this was about) and helped him crouch in front of the tub rim. "There you go, young man, take it easy."

Lance slowly lowered his hands into the water, hissing as their warm touch met his frozen flesh. " _Mierda_ , that hurts like Quiznack."

"I apologize for the interruption, Princess," Coran told Allura. "But your room was the closest when his hands started freezing, so I figured this would be the best option."

"I guess I could ask Keith to melt it with his sword, but he probably would have cut my arms off or something," Lance said and wiggled his fingers carefully, as the ice started to melt away and get absorbed in the tub water.

"But how were they frozen in the first place?" Allura asked, still staring at Lance.

"Another skin care test went wrong," Lance sighed. "First my head nearly goes on fire, next up my hands freeze... I'm starting to think that everyone else was right, and I _hate_ it when they're right," he added bitterly.

"The skin care products caused all this?" Allura wrinkled her forehead. "That sounds quite dangerous, Lance. Maybe you should take them back to the store..."

"No way. I have like twenty more products I haven't tested yet, _something_ has to be suitable for human skin. We'll just have to keep trying, right Coran?"

"I am at your service until the bitter end, Blue Paladin!" Coran saluted with emotion.

"Well, as long as Coran is keeping an eye on you..." Allura said with hesitation.

"Don't worry, Princess, everything will be alright!" Lance took his hands out of the water, pleased to see that not a single drop of ice was left. He gave Allura a playful smile. "Now, how about you join me here in the jaccuzi? It's already on..."

Allura's glare was so cold that Lance felt as if he was freezing all over again.

* * *

Keith dragged himself into the bathroom, his eyelids drooping from exhaustion. He always held a long training session after dinner, and it always left him completely drained of energy, resulting in him falling onto his bed right after taking a shower and sleeping like a rock until morning.

He found Lance brushing his teeth in front of the sink, already wearing his pajamas. His skin looked normal for a change - no burns or needles or blisters or whatever those weird skin care products were capable of doing to his body. Maybe he finally decided to give up. Either way, Keith couldn't care less. He just wanted to finish his business and go to bed.

He gave Lance a curt nod and turned to brush his teeth as well. After a minute of lazy brushing, he bent over and spat. When he raised his head and looked at the mirror, the reflection of Lance had orange dots all over its face.

Keith turned to Lance in silence. Lance blinked at his reflection, and the dots changed their color to purple.

"Lance."

"I know," Lance said flatly, "Gotta find Coran again. I hope he's still awake..." Now the dots became pink. He sighed and shuffled his feet across the bathroom's floor as he walked out.

Keith looked back at the mirror. Maybe his hair _had_ grown a little too long.

"Now _that's_ absurd," Hunk said as he watched Lance in disbelief. "There's no way that this is the side effect of a body cream. That's just Lance being an idiot."

"Or drunk," Pidge said. "Although I can't imagine why he would get drunk all of a sudden... maybe he got depressed after all those failed tests? Does the ship even have alcohol on it?"

"What's 'alcohol?'" Allura asked.

Nobody bothered to answer her as they were all too fascinated by the Blue Paladin, who was singing and dancing enthusiastically on the breakfast table over the last couple of minutes.

 _"Bonita, bonita, bonita de mas!"_ Lance called, swinging his hips to the sides and clapping his hands twice after the "de mas" part.

"Well, whatever caused this insanity bug, I honestly think that we should put him in a cryopod and let him sleep it off," Pidge said hopefully.

 _"Mi dulce chiquita, tan facil de amar!"_ another clapping.

Allura tapped her chin. "I'm not sure.. singing and dancing is not exactly a medical condition, and I highly doubt it is dangerous in any way..."

"Oh, come on, Allura!" Pidge called in frustration. "You don't know that! What if he starts hitting himself? Or us? We can't take that risk! We're talking space-peanut-butter pancakes for an entire _week_ , for Quiznack's sake!"

"What?" Allura asked in confusion.

 _"Bonita, Bonita, bonita de mas!"_ clapping.

Keith pressed his hands to his ears and groaned. "Well, it may not be dangerous, but it's sure _annoying_ as hell, so just shut him up before I run him through with my sword!"

 _"Fragil mu_ _ñe_ _quita, bonita de - "_ Lance never got to finish the last line as he suddenly went limp and slumped forward, and would have probably crashed to the floor if Hunk didn't shoot forward and catch him.

A small dart was peeking out of his neck and they all turned their gaze to the door, where Coran stood, holding something that looked suspiciously like a nerf gun.

"I guess that Lance is not the only one you may refer to as a 'sharpshooter'," Coran said lightly, unable to hide his self-satisfaction.

Hunk gulped and stared at the unconscious Lance in his arms. "Did you just shoot a _sleeping dart_ at him?"

"Well of course, my boy!" Coran said. "Although there might have been a bit of an _overdose_ in this one... oh well, nevermind! He will be up and about in about a Varga or so."

"Good," Shiro said. He was leaning against the counter and looked mostly bored. "Hunk, please take Lance to his room and keep an eye on him until he wakes up. When that happens, tell him to put on his armor and head straight to the training room. No excuses, and _no more skin care experiments._ "

Hunk nodded and adjusted his grip on Lance. "I'm totally gonna forget to tell him the last part," he whispered as he passed Pidge. "I still have until lunchtime to get free access to your laptop."

Pidge put her leg forward and Hunk stumble ungracefully, nearly falling flat on his face.

* * *

"Everyone, eat your helmets."

It was not until the next morning, when Allura and Coran were about to generate a landing process on a planet for a diplomatic mission, that Lance entered the control room with a spring in his step and a huge smile on his face. To his defense, it should be noted that he had not tried any more alien substances since the dancing incident (to Hunk's great disappointment), and they all started to think he has finally given up.

"What now?" Keith rolled his eyes. "Whatever it is, it's probably stupid and we really don't have time for this."

"Shut up, mullet," Lance said without sparing him a glance. "Hunk, come feel my face."

"Say what now?" Hunk raised an eyebrow.

"I said, come feel my face. You gotta feel my face now, dude."

"Ah, no thanks, weirdo."

Lance sighed impatiently and caught Hunk's wrist, yanking his glove off and forcing his palm to rest on his cheek.

"Whoa, what the hell are you - oh my god, this is the softest thing in the entire universe." Hunk's eyes widened in wonder, and he brought his other hand to feel Lance's other cheek. "Dude, you're like a pillow."

"I know, right?" Lance puffed his chest. "This moisturizer is pure _magic_ , and turns out it's not only good for your face, but for your entire body! Here, feel my hand."

Hunk rubbed his thumb across the back of Lance's hand and let out a voice that sounded like something between a cry and a squeak.

" _Please_ get a room before I puke all over the control panel," Pidge groaned.

"Wait, let me see," Allura said and stepped closer to Lance, poking at his cheeks curiously. "Oh my, you're right! Your skin is so smooth! Would you be so kind to let me borrow some of this cream?" she brought her hands to her chest and her eyes were practically _sparkling_.

"Well of course, Princess, you can have as much as you want!" Lance put his arm around Allura's shoulder and winked. Then he turned to his other teammates and frowned. "But none of you guys can. You never believed in me, and you've been _rudely_ unsupportive. So no moisturizer for you. Except for you, Coran, you saved my life like, ten times, so you can have some."

"No thanks, I'm good!" Coran said. "I prefer to use some Skeltriknuggle's fat if I ever have the need to smooth my skin! The smell lasts for about 12 Vargas and you need to be put in isolation through this entire time, but after that you're as good as new!"

"I'm glad you finally found something that's good for you, Lance," Shiro said with a small smile. "Now, can we please carry on with the mission?"

"Well of course, my great leader," Lance said with a sing-song. "But perhaps you would like _me_ to do all the negotiation stuff this time? I mean, let's get real, who can say no to _that_ face?" he closed his eyes and struck a pose.

"Too bad this cream has done nothing to smooth his _brain_ ," Pidge muttered as Shiro bit his lower lip in attempt not to laugh.

* * *

Keith hissed in pain as he washed his hands in the sink. It was his turn to help Coran clean the cryopods, and he forgot - _again_ \- to put on protective gloves (he put his regular gloves in the laundry after his last training session). Now, the Altean cleaning fluid wasn't exactly poisonous, but it still stung pretty bad after rubbing it with bare hands for so long. Keith looked at his hands and winced at how red they were, the skin already peeling off in some places.

He froze in his place as an idea struck him. He shook his head. _No. he's not doing that. No way._

But his hands _really_ stung and he had absolutely nothing in his room that could ease the feeling.

But Lance will _never_ shut up about it. Not until the day he dies.

Maybe he should ask Allura? Lance has probably given her some of his stuff already... but if Keith goes to her, she'll be way too excited to keep it a secret. There's no way she won't tell Lance, eventually. Might as well go directly to Lance and deal with it like a man.

Keith roamed the castle for about half an hour before he found Lance in Blue's hangar. The particle barrier was down, but Lance was sitting between her giant paws, his legs crossed and eyes closed. Apparently, he was meditating. Keith has always failed to understand how a loud, hyperactive idiot like Lance was able to concentrate so hard when it came to bonding with his Lion.

Keith cleared his throat. "Hey, Lance."

Lance stirred a bit, but didn't open his eyes. "What do you want, mullet?"

Keith . _Just get this over with._ "You said that this, um, _thing_ is also good for hands, right?" he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible and failing miserably.

Lance opened one eye, and then the other one.

His face twisted in the biggest, smuggest smile Keith has ever seen.

 _Oh, Quiznack._

 **A/N: the song Lance is singing is from an actual telenovela called "Rebelde Way". Was a huge hit in the early 2000s :P I can totally imagine him finding it one day on VOD and binge-watch it and memorizing all the songs by heart.  
**


End file.
